It was way safer that way. 

I mean, no one can abandon or reject me if I become the “perfect” woman for my partner, right?

Wrong. 

I did get abandoned. 

I abandoned me. 

I was rejecting parts of me that deeply wanted and needed to be seen. 

Looking back, I can see the beautiful gift I was depriving my partners and the relationship of. They weren’t in a relationship with me; they were in a relationship with a version of me, an actress, a woman hiding under this perfectly constructed mask.  

I was hiding my gold. And in turn, I was preventing the relationship from developing and evolving in ways that could have been so healing for both of us.

And in fact, I’ll never know what could have been possible in those relationships had I shown up truly as myself.

Years later, I am now in a thriving partnership. Don’t get me wrong, the first couple of years were hard! – working through old patterns, beliefs and navigating the o’ so fun (not) wounds dance. 

But after the many gruelling days and nights of facing myself; my pain, my fears, my learned beliefs, and doing the necessary inner work both alone and with the right practitioners, as well as turning towards my partner instead of away (key), our relationship dramatically shifted. 

I believe we have created true partnership. We have grown together. Arguably more so than we could ever have done on our own.