Blog - Natalie Mossayebi

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Why I Don’t “Let Go Of What’s Not Serving Me” Anymore

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When I go to circles or ceremonies, and the facili

When I go to circles or ceremonies, and the facilitator asks us to throw what isn’t serving us into the fire or focus on what we want to let go of or release, I draw a blank.

This whole idea of releasing and letting go of stuff that isn’t serving me doesn’t really resonate with me anymore.

And it’s because by the very nature of “throwing what we don’t want into the fire” seems to me like a self-rejection.

Ok, so say I want to let go of inadequacy, insecurity, caring what people think etc. I don’t think it’s actually possible to “let go” of that stuff until we first do the opposite..

..which is to embrace it, accept it, and have compassion for it.

The inadequacy isn’t who we are; it’s just a part of us.

And that part of us doesn’t need to get thrown into the fire and discarded as something that doesn’t serve us.

It needs to be heard, listened to and understood.

A lot of the time, the narrative that accompanies the “letting go of what is not serving me” is “I don’t like you, so I’m going to get rid of you.”

I believe the healing path is not about getting rid of anything; it’s about changing our relationship with it and letting it be.

I’m not sure if it’s even possible to “let go” of the part of us that feels insecure. But it is possible to change our relationship with it. And to acknowledge that’s not who we are.

We can start really getting to know the part of us that believes it is separate, that believes it is unworthy, and that believes it is not loved.

I mean, what would we say to a kid that believed it wasn’t worthy? We wouldn’t banish them into the darkness. We would soothe them and tell them how incredibly loved they are.

So that’s what we need to do with “the things we want to release and let go of”

Soothe.

We need to soothe.

And the byproduct of this self soothing is that the feelings of insecurity or inadequacy begin to release and lose their grip.

But not because we’ve intentionally said it out loud or done a ritual around a fire, but because we’ve developed a loving relationship with the part of us that at its core is ASKING for our love.

What do you think?

“You’re not one of those girls that goes up an

“You’re not one of those girls that goes up and down all the time, are you?” an ex said on one of our first dates many years ago.

“No, of course not,” I answered, wanting him to think I was cool and emotionally secure and stable.

I was lying.

I WAS one of those “girls” that goes up and down.

I AM a woman in touch with the changeable nature of her emotions.

This unconscious agreement I made with myself (and him) at the beginning of that relationship meant that I turned into someone that I absolutely was NOT.

I dressed differently, I bypassed my emotions, I never shared what I really felt, I became obsessed with how I looked, and I confused what I wanted with what he wanted.

Even my pyjamas were “sexy” ffs.

I would make sure I had a face full of makeup, wearing clothes he approved of before he came back from work.

My god, I tolerated behaviour that makes me feel a little queasy when I look back.

Because I was terrified he would reject me.

And you know what fear of rejection leads to?

Self abandonment.

I completely abandoned myself in that relationship.

But it was that relationship that changed everything for me.

It was why I decided to be a relationship coach.

I wanted to know what was driving this pattern of losing myself and giving my power away to the person I was in a relationship with.

What were the fears, stories, and beliefs driving my behaviours and need to please?

Through this deep exploration, I have attracted a man (pictured) who truly sees and accepts me as I am. I feel adored on a daily basis. Which is a reflection of my own self acceptance and self love.

And I’m pleased to say I now wear baggy bloke T-shirts and joggers that are too big for me to bed. 💁🏽‍♀️

My online workshop, How Not To Lose Yourself In Relationships, which I will be hosting this Wednesday, 6th March, is a 90-minute deep dive into this pattern of losing ourselves in relationships.

Link in bio to book.

I will be sending out the Zoom link and details of what to bring tomorrow (so it’s not lost in your inbox).

DM if you have any Qs.

LOVE,

Natty Xx

One week to go, ladies! I’m sooo excited to sh

One week to go, ladies!

I’m sooo excited to share everything I know on this juicy topic.

How To Not Lose Yourself In Relationships is for single women and women in relationships. And for any gal interested in this pattern. (*It’s not just romantic relationships this pattern plays out)

To understand and get a handle on this very core pattern can be life changing and completely shift how you show up in your relationships!

By the end of this workshop you’ll:

👌🏽 have a clearer understanding of this pattern

👌🏽 recognise how and when it shows up

👌🏽 understand where it came from

👌🏽 know how to transform it

And hopefully make some friends while you’re at it! 🥰

You’re gonna get some juicy insight - I promise.

And please do forward to any friends who you think might benefit from this work. 🙏🏽

Can’t WAIT to see you!

Link in bio to book.

Love,

Natty xxx

💜

The Ping-Pong effect! Heard of it? I heard this

The Ping-Pong effect!

Heard of it?

I heard this term mentioned in a rom-com years ago, which has stayed with me because it speaks to a pattern that many of us find ourselves in.

The Ping Pong Effect speaks to this pattern of “ping-ponging” from one type of relationship to another. Eg to use archetypes, we go from the “nice guy” - who will do anything for us, to the “bad boy”, who isn’t very nice to us.

Now, I have a theory about this.

Going along with the idea that we are made of different parts, there are parts of us that are really attracted to parts of others, and there are also parts of us that are repelled by what other parts of us are drawn to.

Eg. some parts of us feel really safe and reassured by “the nice guy”, while other parts of us are completely bored, unstimulated and even irritated by “the nice guy”.

(And I should probably caveat this by saying the nice guy ‘parts’. Because it’s never the truth that that is fully who someone is.)

Sooo the parts that are feeling bored and irritated tend to jump in the driving seat, say “see ya later” to nice guy and ping pong over to the bad boy. Now, while the bad boy satisfies those parts of us that desire spontaneity, unpredictability, and mystery, meanwhile, other parts that need safety and stability are terrified!

So what do we do?

We ping-pong back to the nice guy.

To break this codependent cycle of trying to get our needs met from the relationship., we need to work with ALL the parts of us by hearing them out and giving them what they need.

From there, we start attracting relationships, or attracting from our current relationship, the harmony and relational environment that we are desiring and that is most aligned.

BTW..

I’m hosting an online workshop called “How Not To Lose Yourself In Relationships” on Wednesday March 6th at 7pm.

It’s 11 quid.

Link in bio to book.

I talk a lot about this notion of giving power awa

I talk a lot about this notion of giving power away in relationships.

Because I’ve done it… a lot!

And still do sometimes 😬

This tendency to give SO much weight to what people think..

When that tendency is in full grasp, my GOD, I notice myself acting in ways that are so unlike me. I don’t recognise my own voice, the look on my face feels weird and I’m completely disembodied and disconnected.

The only way I can describe it is that it feels like a kind of holding back of what’s true. Driven by a fear that people won’t like me.

“If you’re OK, I’m OK.”

Or so a part of me believes.

So, where does this tendency to give power away come from?

The part that believes it’s not truly loved. That’s it’s not OK unless it has the reassurance of another.

I think most of us have this part.

But have shoved it into a dark cave inside ourselves… coz, well, it ain’t pretty, and it ain’t cool.

So we:

👀 Over accommodate
👀 Hold back our truth
👀 Go along with things that feel off
👀 Avoid being vulnerable
👀 Try and control what’s uncomfortable

To avoid the feelings of unlovability.

The remedy is to give consistent attention to this part.

To be curious about this part.

First is awareness.

Simply noticing these protective behaviours

Next is acceptance.

Accepting this part of us in pain and luring her out of the dark cave.

The final step is to love the SHIT out of that part.

I will be hosting an online workshop soon called, “How To Not Lose Yourself In Relationships” for single women and women in relationships.

Having techy issues with setting up how to book 😅, but in the meantime, please register your interest via link bio!

Love to ya brave sistas 💕

ALCHEMY OF INTIMACY is a 6 month journey to relati

ALCHEMY OF INTIMACY is a 6 month journey to relational transformation for Women In Relationship.

This is for you if you:

💜 Are feeling frustrated that you’re coming up against the same patterns, getting triggered by the same things, leaving you feeling unseen, misunderstood, unloved, closed down/defensive

💜 Are feeling at the mercy of what your partner is saying thinking and doing, stuck in codependent dynamics

💜 Are feeling disconnected in the relationship and from yourself and are lacking true intimacy

💜 Are adapting to your partner and what you think they want, not truly expressing what’s really in your heart in a healthy way

I wanna say, I’ve been there sister! And I still find myself there! I’m always in the process of working on this shit.

It would be my honour to guide you through this process of breaking the pattern of self-abandonment and becoming more emotionally available to yourself.

After these 6 months, you will have a greater understanding of why these familiar patterns keep triggering you and how to resource yourself during those moments.

We work together to really support and reparent the one that is stuck in these stories of unlovability and unworthiness.

We work with healthy, loving, empowered communication where needs and requests are made and where you can be more in empowered response to your partner instead of dysregulated reactivity.

We work with staying on your partner’s team, instead of becoming their opponent, coming back to love and togetherness and mutuality - Nurturing this space in between.

The more you learn to stop abandoning yourself and start valuing and honouring your own needs, the more you give your relationship a chance to step up and meet you in all that you are, and the more you give the relationship a chance to truly thrive.

If you feel the call, click “Chat with Nat” in my bio and let’s chat!

💜

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