Are You Making Your Partner Your “Redeemer”?

Currently, I’m gobbling up the learnings of IFS maestro Dick Schwartz, specifically his book, You Are The One You’ve Been Waiting For.

I have become particularly struck by his idea of this “drive for redemption” in relationships.

So, I thought I’d flesh it out for you all as I think you may find it interesting…

What he basically points out is that if we have a part of us that feels unlovable or unworthy (which, let’s face it, most of us do as a result of our upbringing and/or societal messages), then in relationships, we often have an intense drive to be redeemed.

..meaning that we constantly try to seek reassurance from our partner that we are, in fact, loveable.

Even if we had moderate experiences that triggered a belief of unlovability, such as dad coming home late, mum being emotionally unavailable, or feeling replaced by a sibling, Dick says that we will search for partners reminiscent of the original caregiver who triggered this feeling of unlovability in the hope that we can prove that we aren’t so unloveable after all.

Caregivers aside, you just need to look around to see the false narratives spouted about romantic love and how we should feel in relationships.

We are taught to cherish the vision of a world in which “finding your other half” is crucial to achieving happiness – loneliness being the biggest failure in life 🤔

So, instead of taking ownership of our own wounds, we try to relieve our suffering by external means, often making our relationships responsible for our happiness.

Of course, this strategy isn’t sustainable!

So what’s the answer?

.. to turn our attention inward and get to know the part of ourselves that is craving the external validation!

We need to reparent that part. Give her what she needs.

There are a few ways I resource my unlovable part:

Journaling – literally can’t live without my journaling practice. My process is to dialogue with the part that feels a bit pooey, understanding how she came to be and what she needs.
Vigorous exercise or dancing – exercise and dancing can really help me discharge that energy and get out of a certain story that I might be locked into.
Walking in nature with some good tunes – there’s something so self-connecting about taking myself out for a walk with whatever I feel like listening to.
Phoning or audioing a friend – my best friends are such a resource for me when I need a little help connecting back to myself. They are so good at holding that mirror up to me and reminding me of my true power and worth.

So the message here, then, peeps, is to search for the redeemer inside yourself instead of looking for it in your partner.

Cue M People Song (with a twist)..

You’ve got to search for the redeemer inside yourself (ooh)

Search for the redeemer insiiiidee..

Search for the redeemer inside yourself

Until you find the key to your liiiiife

Yeah!! Sing it, sister!